Fuck Your Curtain Speech

Why the fuck are you standing there? Is it to remind me to turn off my phone? It's a pretty fucking straightforward message. You do not need to be fucking clever about it, and also that shit is not clever. It does not take a fucking ten minute vaudeville bit to tell me to turn off my phone, nor is the whole world, breathless waiting for the newest cleverest way to be asked to turn their fucking phones off.

If you would like to perform on the stage, you can be an actor. If you want large groups of captive people to pay attention to you, that is what I recommend. If you do not have the balls to be an actor or the humility to state your business with welcome and gratitude, get the fuck down. 

Are you are trying to demonstrate to yourself and others that your theater is a niche-y little in crowd of which you are the petty dictator? Is the familiarity with which you are addressing us meant to ape popularity, or is it because you actually know five of the seven people in the house tonight? Good job clarifying for the other two that theater people haven't changed since high school. I'm sure they'll be so charmed by your exclusionary lunch-table antics that they will never call you gaywad again. 

Is it to let me know where the fire exits are? I see the fucking fire exits, they are lit the fuck up in brilliant fucking orange light, so check. 

Is it to ask me for money? Like, as a gift that I would give you? Out of generosity and support in addition to the money I spent to be here? A charitable donation for the purpose of helping to maintain your work? If you'd like that to happen, may I suggest changing your fucking attitude? Acting like an entitled baby asshole is not how you ask people for shit, and I cannot begin to conceive where you got the pompous, lazy assed idea that it is. 

Thank you for taking the time to disparage your company, the work, the experience and the medium at large. I sure do love sitting here hearing you riff on how much you don't give a shit about what you are about to present to me. You know what, if you don't care about this show, and clearly I shouldn't care about this show, let's give me my fucking fifteen dollars back. 

Why don't you go not care about plays or the people who devote their time and passion to making them in your apartment for free, asshole? 

Do you have something sincere or meaningful to say? Are you proud of this shit? Are you glad I'm here? Would you like to set a fucking tone before I'm transported into the world your company have worked so hard to create? Great, good. I'm down.

Do you want to take this chance to indulge yourself in the fantasy that you have fans who are so devoted to you and your work that you can deliver a standup routine of which the show is the punch line? Seriously, fuck your curtain speech.